My weekend ended badly.
Last night, I let a few events pile up on each other until the weight of the last “bad thing” broke my back. I said and did things in which I felt was justified, but didn’t need to. Happens to all of us, right?
Forgettable? I wish.
Fixable? To a degree.
Able to make peace? I MUST!
It’s the only way I realize I can move forward! To accept the bad, which, I admittedly caused.
The difficulty is that these instances of regretfulness stay with me a LOOONG time. Memories often get triggered from my single-digit years. In fact, most don’t ever seem to expire. AND THIS SUCKS!
When this happens, I cringe and find I have awkward, distorted expressions on my face. I literally catch myself making faces, at in the shower, at work, at a restaurant… and I realize the need to snap back to reality; a quick revert to a “neutral” look. Sometimes, a memory so regrettable surfaces, I actually mouth words cursing them; cursing myself.
I wish I could burn these all away. They haunt me.
My latest incident is causing me great distress today. But I’m finding it therapeutic to write about it. I’m learning to keep this under control… to keep the bad feelings at bay. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster today. Sometimes feeling horrible, sometimes able to rise above the situation and start leaving it behind.
I’m my search for inner peace, I encounter hurdles. I’m a beginner at this.
My challenge to myself is to leave these negative feelings and LEAVE them behind. Leave them behind FOREVER! Is that possible? I hope so! I’m on a path to train myself mentally to let things go…